Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tossed the fuck out

Another thing that happened on Saturday night:

Someone was behaving inappropriately, I know what a shocker.

Sometimes at work, I'll get an uninvited ass tap/slap/caress.  This is not appropriate.  Guys, get permission first, god dammit.  We will usually say yes if you give us what we think an ass slap is worth.

But sometimes, we get pigs that pay $20 and not a cent more to come in and cause trouble and act like total shitbags.

Tonight, one of those animals was camping in the corner near the ATMs and kept flicking my butt cheek.  He did this to me whenever I'd carefully maneuver through the crowd (let's not forget I'm wearing 7" heels) and was being slick about it.  I wouldn't see him looking when I turned around to see who the fuck just touched my ass for free.  It happened three times in passing.  So I remembered to not walk by this loser anymore.

About half an hour later, I had to take a customer to the ATM to get paid.  I got another flick to the butt cheek.  I turned around to see that same fucking guy.

I tried not to let it happen again.  While I waited for my customer to get the cash, I kept my eye on the prick.  I saw him reach for my ass, and I turned away to dodge, stretched out my garter and demanded a tip.  There was no money in his hand, or anywhere in his possession, or any intention of tipping so I turned around to cold shoulder him...waiting for it.

I saw him reach for my ass again, turned and slapped his hand away.  I looked him dead in the eyes and yelled, "Cut that shit out or give me some fucking money!"

The waitress saw me go off on him so she came up to me and asked what just happened.  I said very quietly to her, "He kept creeper touching my ass with his cold, wet fingers.  And he won't tip me."

That was all she needed.  I could tell she was about to handle it.  She got the bouncer for me.  I always tip my waitress, no matter how broke I am, she gets a buck a drink plus my tip out every night.  I hope that's enough.

I think that douche was harassing other girls, too.  I remember another dancer saying something about it before.

Two minutes later, I see that scumbag getting quickly shoved toward the exit of the club.  Fuck yes, the hammer of justice has been dropped!  GTFO MOTHERFUCKER!  *middle finger*

So, what did we learn, guys?  Here's a recap.


We are strangers until we start talking.  Until then, you could get backhanded by a girl on her period.  She could be that girl.  Women are mysteriously sexier on their period and just as brutal.


Don't make us any dirtier than we already are.  It's bad enough I use up all my soap to wash the nut sweat and handprints off my ass every night.  I should claim soap as a business expense while I'm at it.  You hear that, tax man?


If she dances for you, give her what she wants.  You go to the strip club to see girls dance naked, and SPEND ALL YOUR SINGLES, however many big bills you want to contribute to that is up to you, and get GTFO when you've expended that budget.

I'm sure every dancer would attest that we work hard to look good on stage and in a guy's lap.  When you buy a lap dance, you are getting a real life person to rub her naked body upon your boner and listen to whatever you say.  You are the most interesting man to me as long as you're buying dances.

But if you're not buying dances or tipping me, I'm assuming you just don't have the budget til I see the money - so don't bug anyone when you're done spending.  If a girl bugs you, say no, you're tapped out, whatever.

Last lesson - MONEY TALKS.  The more you spend, the more entertainment you receive.  Just make sure you're getting a deal you can afford.  So TALK MONEY before you do lap dances, we really appreciate knowing what we're getting into.  Otherwise you set yourself up for wallet rape.  Think of talking prices first as protecting your wallet the same way you would protect your dick from STDs.  I don't want to understand those who choose to rush into things unprotected, but that's what happens.

No uninvited contact, tip your dancer, money talks.

Enjoy the strip club.  Look at those tits.  Look at that ass.