Saturday, April 27, 2013


Everyone has them, and some people's nipples are sensitive.  Mine are.

One of the customers offered me a low ball $20 dance and I wasn't selling enough dances to say no.  Since he asked me, I replied, "Only if you act like a gentleman."

I meant it.  I hate doing $20 dances.  It feels like punishment.  This guy was really trying to get his money's worth, too.  He kept trying to touch my nipples and I knew that was going to happen because of the way he was grabbing my tits outside my bra before I took it off.

I don't like being worked hard like that.  Whenever he tried to touch my nipples I'd turn around so he couldn't reach them.  Eventually after a few attempts, he called me out on not letting him touch my nipples.  He didn't seem to understand that I don't allow intimate touching for the low ball price.  So I said, "You should have offered me $30."

He behaved for the rest of the song and then paid me my measly $20 and I took off, just ready to check the fuck out and go home.  Ugh!

My nipples are for my enjoyment only.  It's not in my job description to give away access to my nipples.  Dance with a girl who is less sensitive if you MUST get nipple play.

So tonight was not as good as last night.  I was not feeling the crowd.  Everyone I talked to seemed to want to "relax" and not buy lap dances or even tip singles.  Not my night.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Luck had everything to do with it

Or maybe the butt lift exercise paid for itself again tonight.

It was a slow, typical Thursday night.  It started off with a million bitches, as usual.  But they all got burned out quick and rightfully so.  I had a lot of downtime too.

But every guy that I danced for was so in love with me.  It was kind of weird.  I had to give that, "I'm sorry, I just can't go home with you tonight" line over and over.  I also tossed out a couple phone numbers.  The guys were good looking, but drunk.  I was sober tonight.  Stone cold sober.

I thought I was going to leave with a disappointing amount of money until one guy at the end, when I thought no one left was going to spend anything, kept me busy til close.

I did not expect my turnout to be good, and I'm happy to be pleasantly surprised.  This is a good start for my weekend.  I wonder if tomorrow and Saturday will be this good or better.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Get that butt to work!

This month looks like January so far.  I took too many nights off.  I have no money, ugh.  I only have one more week to make April not suck.

The good news is that I feel better than I did when I was changing my sleep cycle.  I was getting a little too batty for a while, and I wasn't liking it.

Now I'm waking up at normal times, before noon.  I can get all my daytime activities done now that I'm not sleeping all day.

I've been doing more butt lift workouts.  I'm trying not to do it less than three times a week.  I always feel super when I finish.  But always so lazy right before.  Sometimes I gotta force myself to pop it in the DVD player and just hit play.

Other than that, I have been working on getting back into school.  I'm still determining my major.  Not only does it need to be a major I would enjoy, it needs to bring me more earning potential upon completion.  I was thinking about doing medicine, but now I'm leaning more toward accounting.    I've always enjoyed running numbers, a lot more than flunking chemistry tests.  I think it would also take less time than medicine.

As for the stripping, I worked last Saturday, my only day for the week since I was distracted by family.  I made slightly above average, so I'm not hurting too bad, but I'm still poor since I only worked one night.  

And that's kind of the drag about stripping.  I can't work 40 hours a week.  I don't even think there are 40 hours in the week that are worth coming to the club.  I've been so bored during the day.  It's nice that I can use that time to better myself by working out, but I need more.  I want to mix undergrad classes into my schedule.

So far, I'm heading into the direction of that balance I've been seeking.  The right amount of stripping to keep the cash flow steady, and the right amount of developing my professional life.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Hey baby, you take EBT?

I don't even know what EBT stands for, but I know it's a government-issued debit card intended to pay for food and living expenses.  You need to be in poverty (on paper) to get one of these.

Apparently many of the folks who have this card have been abusing it by using it at liquor stores, casinos, and strip clubs! 

I just heard on the local news that my state is now banning that.  People in poverty can't afford strippers anyway.  They have no business being in the strip club, and I don't blame the government for trying to keep their mooches out.  

What worries me is that they had to put strip clubs on the banned list for a reason.  That reason can only be because people were using their EBT cards at strip clubs!  I'm assuming to pay for cover charge and drinks because I don't see anyone tipping or buying lap dances with them.

I'm gonna have to agree with the government.  I wouldn't want my mooches to piss away my money gambling, buying booze and tipping strippers.  Fuck no.  

Monday, April 15, 2013

Yep, time to move on.

I only worked Saturday night over the weekend, and it wasn't a very long shift.  So my paycheck for the week sucked.

I've been busy hanging out with family, getting tons of sunshine during the day.  Funny how my "real" life got in the way of my stripper life.  But that's okay.

I've been thinking more about my EXIT PLAN.  I gotta get into stripper rehab soon.  I don't wanna quit because the money is still good, even when it's bad.  If I said what I made, every non-dancer reader would say, omg shut the fuck up.  

But I HAVE to quit because I'm never going to put dancing on my resume for vanilla jobs, and I don't want to lie about why I haven't worked for a year.  And I want to quit when I'm in my thirties.  I'm already bored with this job.  I can't imagine how bored I'd be in five more years.

So I'm checking in with the career counselor tomorrow.  I'm very excited.  Everyone who knows the real me supports this decision.  I'm gonna go prepare my questions so I'm ready.

Wish me luck.  :)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tossed the fuck out

Another thing that happened on Saturday night:

Someone was behaving inappropriately, I know what a shocker.

Sometimes at work, I'll get an uninvited ass tap/slap/caress.  This is not appropriate.  Guys, get permission first, god dammit.  We will usually say yes if you give us what we think an ass slap is worth.

But sometimes, we get pigs that pay $20 and not a cent more to come in and cause trouble and act like total shitbags.

Tonight, one of those animals was camping in the corner near the ATMs and kept flicking my butt cheek.  He did this to me whenever I'd carefully maneuver through the crowd (let's not forget I'm wearing 7" heels) and was being slick about it.  I wouldn't see him looking when I turned around to see who the fuck just touched my ass for free.  It happened three times in passing.  So I remembered to not walk by this loser anymore.

About half an hour later, I had to take a customer to the ATM to get paid.  I got another flick to the butt cheek.  I turned around to see that same fucking guy.

I tried not to let it happen again.  While I waited for my customer to get the cash, I kept my eye on the prick.  I saw him reach for my ass, and I turned away to dodge, stretched out my garter and demanded a tip.  There was no money in his hand, or anywhere in his possession, or any intention of tipping so I turned around to cold shoulder him...waiting for it.

I saw him reach for my ass again, turned and slapped his hand away.  I looked him dead in the eyes and yelled, "Cut that shit out or give me some fucking money!"

The waitress saw me go off on him so she came up to me and asked what just happened.  I said very quietly to her, "He kept creeper touching my ass with his cold, wet fingers.  And he won't tip me."

That was all she needed.  I could tell she was about to handle it.  She got the bouncer for me.  I always tip my waitress, no matter how broke I am, she gets a buck a drink plus my tip out every night.  I hope that's enough.

I think that douche was harassing other girls, too.  I remember another dancer saying something about it before.

Two minutes later, I see that scumbag getting quickly shoved toward the exit of the club.  Fuck yes, the hammer of justice has been dropped!  GTFO MOTHERFUCKER!  *middle finger*

So, what did we learn, guys?  Here's a recap.


We are strangers until we start talking.  Until then, you could get backhanded by a girl on her period.  She could be that girl.  Women are mysteriously sexier on their period and just as brutal.


Don't make us any dirtier than we already are.  It's bad enough I use up all my soap to wash the nut sweat and handprints off my ass every night.  I should claim soap as a business expense while I'm at it.  You hear that, tax man?


If she dances for you, give her what she wants.  You go to the strip club to see girls dance naked, and SPEND ALL YOUR SINGLES, however many big bills you want to contribute to that is up to you, and get GTFO when you've expended that budget.

I'm sure every dancer would attest that we work hard to look good on stage and in a guy's lap.  When you buy a lap dance, you are getting a real life person to rub her naked body upon your boner and listen to whatever you say.  You are the most interesting man to me as long as you're buying dances.

But if you're not buying dances or tipping me, I'm assuming you just don't have the budget til I see the money - so don't bug anyone when you're done spending.  If a girl bugs you, say no, you're tapped out, whatever.

Last lesson - MONEY TALKS.  The more you spend, the more entertainment you receive.  Just make sure you're getting a deal you can afford.  So TALK MONEY before you do lap dances, we really appreciate knowing what we're getting into.  Otherwise you set yourself up for wallet rape.  Think of talking prices first as protecting your wallet the same way you would protect your dick from STDs.  I don't want to understand those who choose to rush into things unprotected, but that's what happens.

No uninvited contact, tip your dancer, money talks.

Enjoy the strip club.  Look at those tits.  Look at that ass.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

How to tell if she is really into you

This one is for the guys.  I don't know why you guys read my blog, I'm usually such a man hater when I write about stripping.  So here is something useful.

I got a comment from (most likely male) anonymous on my latest post asking, 

"Is there any way to tell if a dancer is really into you rather than just doing her job well? (apart from free lap dances!)"

Good question - this is a tough one.  Dancers flirt for a living.  So when are we NOT in character?

1. A free lap dance (in a place where she could be charging you) is probably the best indicator that the dancer might actually like you.  I would never dance for free (at work).  Maybe sit and chat for one last song while I put my shoes back on, but for me, work time is not the time for free dances.  In my opinion, doing free dances is NOT doing the job well.  It may seem good to you, but it's stupid to do free dances.  So if you're making her stupid, she probably wants you.

While we are on the subject of free dances, it really depends on your personal definition of a free lap dance.  If I get paid for 5 songs worth of lap dances, the guy gets 5 songs, MAYBE a bonus song if I got a bonus tip while the club is empty.  Besides, 5 songs is a good bit of money and it's easier for me to make that money from one guy than it is from working five different guys.  It's my way of saying thank you, but I never overstay my welcome, or give a guy the opportunity to overstay his.  I would never do more than one song without asking for more money.  That is paycheck sabotage.  Would you purposely subtract money from your own paycheck?  That's what a free lap dance feels like to me: working for money I'll never get.  How counterproductive.

2. So on the extremely rare occassion, a real winner comes to the club, and my act suddenly feels way too natural.  I take phone numbers from guys I want to see beyond the club.  That's a good sign, if SHE asks for it.  If YOU ask her for her phone number, she might give you a fake one.  So don't ask.  If she takes your number and gets back to you within a few days, she's interested.  

I understand that it is very hard to tell since some dancers will put on a very believable act to sell dances.  Actions speak louder than words, so pay attention to what she does along with what she says.

If she blows up your phone to keep you coming back to the club, well, she liked the way you spent and has no interest in meeting you outside the club for no charge.

If she wants to come over and bang you for free again and again, it couldn't be more obvious that she likes you, not necessarily your wallet.  

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Is your club ok with lesbians?

I completely forgot to talk about the best part about last night.  My first customer was my first returning FEMALE customer.  This hottie, omg... 
Edit - 10:41 a.m. 

This post is for the guys who like lesbians.  

HOLY SHIT.  I want to protect her anonymity so we'll call her Mary Jane.  She's petite, has perfectly big, round, natural boobs.  Blubababbababagh!  If only I wasn't wearing makeup... If only she was naked too... 

Mary Jane tipped me a $20 while I was on stage and said, "I'd like a dance with you when you get off stage." 

SAY NO MORE!  I'll be with you as soon as my set is done!  So I collected some singles while I finished up my set.  

I quickly got off the stage and went straight for Mary Jane.  We got to talking again.

Turns out she is a cam model and stupid me didn't exchange web info because I was distracted by her awesomeness.  I asked her if she'd ever try dancing, since cam modeling is almost the same thing.  

"Is this club okay with girls being together?" 

I wasn't quite sure.  I know we can't make out, eat pussy, touch pussy with hands, or do what we tell our customers they can't do.  

But that question made me realize Mary Jane just might be lesbian.  Because if she is... I might want to experiment with her.  And I'm so stupid for not getting any of her info or giving her mine.  

I felt bad taking her money for that dance.   Hot girls need not spend their money on dances.  But my inner corporate cocksucker takes over when I'm under that club roof, and lesbians that hit on me still want to pay like men.  

Not going to lie, I fucking enjoyed every minute I was with Mary Jane.  I should look for her like a pathetic Internet dweller.  Who knows, I probably have just enough info to find her.  

Fucking Internet, man, it's surprising how many people haven't realized the power of the Internet and how many people are still clueless about it.  

Friggin high school

Tonight was about as slow as last night.  Full of drunk, douchey young dudes.  That's what I get for working late.

One young guy recognized me.  He went to my high school.  I tried to play it off as if I went somewhere else.  But there was no fooling him.  He acted proud that he knew about my past, or maybe was just really glad to see me.  I danced for him before he took off and during that dance, I could tell he thought I was hot back then, too.  
But all he got was one dance.  Spent like a young boy.  God.  I'm so over it.  I'm glad this weekend is over.  I wish it was still like March - good.  

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Not the best night

The club wasn't very busy tonight.  A lot of girls did bad, and a few did awesome.  I was sort of in the middle.  Tonight wasn't a complete waste of time.  But I've certainly had better nights.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I don't have insomnia, but...

I can't sleep at night because I sleep all fucking day.  Ugh, I've let my sleep routine get more backwards.

I have a feeling I'm gonna be working day shift in a couple of weeks.  At least if I keep waking up so late it's early.

But because I stay up well into the morning, I can get things done that can't be done at night.

I went back to my college campus and went to the career center and signed up for some counseling.  I have an appointment in a few weeks.  And I need to be up during the day for that.

I felt so awkward when my counselor asked me to email her my updated resume.  Shit.  Fucking shit.  I haven't touched my professional resume since I got rejected for that radio job over a year ago.  I gave up, and I'm sick of being sorry I wasted my education.  My student loan statements remind me every month that giving up is not an option.

Time to DO something.  It's my weakness - DOING something.  It's so much easier for me to think, not do.

So I decided to make a new resume from scratch and followed the general resume template.  When I got to "work experience," I just hung my head into my chest.  What the fuck to I put for my work experience?  My old McJob from way back?  God, no wonder I couldn't get hired.  My resume is pathetic, in my opinion, but then again I'm my own worst critic.

If I had the balls to put dancing on my resume, I'd make it look like a real job on paper.

Work experience
Employer: "Most awesome nude lap dancing club in town" (not saying my actual club)
Dates worked: 2012 to present (because that's where the gap in my professional timeline begins)
Position: Hostess and Entertainer
Duties: to greet new customers, perform on stage, and personally entertain willing participants.

Excellent communication skills
Customer service
Problem solving
Ability to think on my feet
Close attention to details
Performing under pressure
Cash handling and money management

But no matter how tempting it is to be honest about my night job, I don't think professionals in the vanilla (real) world would pick a former erotic entertainer for the job opening.  It's just too stigmatized because the majority of strip clubs around town hire train wrecks, and that's what they'll think of me before they ask me for an interview.

I know this is a really unconfident post, but I think I'm right about this, and I hope more that I'm wrong.  I wish I knew the person who knowingly hires former dancers.

I hate job seeking.  I've had so much time off from it, I forgot how to be good at getting a job, even though I feel like I'm getting a job the second I sell a lap dance.  A job that lasts for one song.  I need something a bit more long term.