Free stripper noob guide

From yours truly, Bella Hack.

I could write a whole book trying to teach you how to not fail at stripping.

I have been in (mostly) and out of the lap dancing industry for almost five years.  Here are my boiled down lessons crammed into one post in effort to help newly starting dancers not make the same stupid mistakes I did.

1. Treat this like you would any other job.  You go in and out at a specific time.  Act professionally, follow the rules, and avoid slacking off.

I bet you weren't handed any paper that says "strip club rules" or tips on how to do well at this job.  No club offered me any formal training.  If you did get a list of rules or in-club stripper training, consider yourself lucky.

2. Do your hair and makeup before going to the club.  The dressing room is not as good as your own bathroom and it never will be.

3. Wear lingerie or dance wear that makes you look and feel sexy.  If you're not being sexy, you're not doing your job.  Do your job.  Look hot.

4. Make sure you have a pair of actual stripper heels.  Pleaser or Ellie brand are good choices.

5. When you leave the dressing room, it's time to shine.  Put on your confident face and look for prospective customers.  If you're auditioning on stage, move slowly and don't try anything you don't know how to do.  First impressions are crucial.  Get ready to schmooze.

6. Go for the big, easy money.  If your club sells champagne rooms, that should be your first suggestion whenever you talk to a customer.  Don't spend much time on chit chat.  The less time you spend chatting for free, the better.  Save the conversation for the time he pays for.

If your club doesn't have rooms and it's lap dances by the song, sell "package deals" for the time increment you think you can stand.  Some guys are total tools and are not worth more than one song, even if they want to continue.  But be creative and fair (to yourself) with your prices.

7.  Always ask for a tip when you finish a lap dance.  Last chance to get a bonus.  Better ask or you won't receive.

8.  Don't give out your phone number.  Be professional.  It is unprofessional to give your phone number out.  Tell them to come visit you at the club if they want to see you again so badly.

9.  During a lap dance, do not let guys break the rules.  If you let them, they will always think their misbehavior is okay.  It's not.  Speak the fuck up, you don't want to have to make the manager or bouncer come save you.  Try not to get into the situation in the first place.

10.  You booze you lose!  I really don't think I need to explain this.  I've regretted every night I got wasted at work.  How stupid and unprofessional.  I never made money on the nights I got drunk.  If I did make money, I didn't remember how.  Just don't drink.  If you do, limit it to three drinks and make sure you're not driving home.  Cops make so much money off DUIs.  Don't be a victim.

11.  Don't bring drugs to the club!  How awful would it be to have a bag of weed in your purse tucked away in your locker on the night the cops come in with dogs and raid your club?  Raids are real and they happen all the time.  Even if they were looking for worse things, you'd be going to jail with the junkies and prostitutes.

12.  Always have someone from the security staff walk you to your car when you leave.

13. Never, ever meet a customer outside the club.  A lot of girls bend this rule, and it usually bites back.  If you meet a customer outside the club, you are dealing this person without security staff to protect you in case he wants to rape you.  Other times, the man wants free attention or is willing to pay you to fuck him.  They are headaches that want to suck up your time.  Fuck that.  That is why you set aside time to work at the club.  

14. Track your income each night and set aside money for taxes.  This isn't a paycheck job where taxes are taken out for you already.  It's up to you to pay the man.  And if you don't pay and get caught, you either pay more later or go to prison.  Be smart, pay your taxes.  

15. Take care of yourself.  Work out regularly.  Get enough sleep each night... Or morning.  Eat the right foods.  If you disobey this, fat lists will be in your future.  It hurts to get called fat, especially if you're not.  No more splurging on sweets and fried foods.  Your job depends on it.

16. Build your non-dancing resume.  This isn't a bad career, but it's not a lasting one.  Always think about your future.  What do you want to do and where do you want to be in the next five, ten, twenty years?  This is a great job for women working their way through college.  I highly encourage college.  

That's about all I can think of for now.  I'll have a complete guide that I'm gonna sell for a lot less than the other stripping guides out there.  I think this is enough for now.  

Hope you newbies found this helpful.  Hope you readers found this somewhat entertaining AND informative.